Today’s Daily Express celebrates a new book entitled Humble Masterpieces by Paolo Antonelli, which deals with simple things we cannot live without.
Really? I was surprised at just how many of them I don’t need.
Bar code: I don’t have a bar code. Nobody told me to get a bar code, and quite frankly I prefer old-fashioned price tags that tell me how much an item costs rather than a string of black lines that only a computer can read.
Corkscrew: I don’t drink wine and even if I did a 2” screw and a pair of pliers will do the trick. On those occasions I have tried to use a corkscrew I left half the cork in the neck of the bottle.
Sticking plaster: I’m allergic to it.
Cardboard coffee cup holder: I don’t drink cardboard coffee and anyway my fingertips are tough enough to withstand the heat of those wax cups.
Paperclip: They’re useful for pinning cheques to letters from magazine publishers etc, and they’re handy for picking locks, but otherwise they just hang around the desk making it look untidy.
Contact lens: I’ve lived without contact lenses for over 50 years, I see no reason to change that position now. I’ll stick to my glasses.
Compact disc: I had 78s and 45s long before the cassette tape was invented, never mind the CD, and I could go back to them any time I liked ... if they were still available.
Hairgrip: I don’t have enough hair to use them and even when I did have enough hair, I still didn’t have enough hair.
T-shirt: sure, they’re handy but would I be any the worse off if I didn’t have them? No. I’d use a string vest.
Flip-flops: I have a corn the size of Gibraltar under my left foot, caused by ill-fitting shoes. All my shoes are lace-ups to keep them tight on my feet and prevent the friction that causes corns.
Dice: I don’t gamble and what else can you use dice for?
Match: I use lighters and at a pinch I could rub two sticks together (it might be a problem if I was gagging for a smoke, though.)
Teabag: Mother never used them. Right up to her death in 1998 she preferred to buy loose tea and brew it properly in the pot.
Post-it note: like Victor Meldrew, I have a grudge against these things and the way they clutter the average office. Besides, they virtually make the paperclip redundant and how else would I pick the lock on my garden shed when I lose the key?
Mascara: I could never find the right shade to highlight my gorgeous eyes.
Lego: I have no young children and any building work I do tends to be done with bricks, mortar and sheer hard graft, never mind bits of plastic locking together with moulded buttons.
Of the 20 items listed there are only four that I believe I couldn’t live without.
Ballpoint pen: It’s so much cleaner than messing about with bottles of ink and brass nibs.
Ball bearing: without the humble ball bearing, my car would be a wreck (it’s actually a wreck already) and what would I have used as catapult ammunition when I was a kid?
Light bulb: I can’t imagine going back to oil and gas lamps. Give me the flick of a switch anytime.
Zipper. So much quicker than buttons when you’re in a hurry and these days I’m always in a hurry: it’s what comes of middle age, the cold weather and blood pressure pills.
